i really dont know why i was psming in my last journal. sorry to all who read it & thank you for not killing me.

so i thought it would be a good idea to have classes 8-8 twice a week. its not that good of an idea lol. so if your thinking about it dont do it. i'm not going to change anything though because i like all of my classes except for the asshole in my bio class. he's a big time homo phone & he knows i'm gay because we had a class together last semester & he was clearly against me being gay. why he picked to sit behind me i'll never know but i'll deff try moving lol.

& im responding to myself for my last journal:
love isn't something you can plan or force to happen. it happens randomly & im perfectly happy to wait for it. for now my friends are all i need :]

part of me wants to fall inlove so bad but a bigger part of me doesn't want to go 456789765432 feet within it. i mean i guess i want that feeling of being someones everything but at the same time that takes alot of time & effort, which im not really willing to do. i've tried dating and i just dont feel it. I think I'm so afraid of being hurt that i give up on people before they give up on me. The reason for that is that I've had people give up on me and it hurts so much.

Of course I have my friends that i tell everything to but i dont know why love is so scary to me. I guess if losing a friend hurts losing love will hurt one hell of alot more. But i dont know thats the problem. I've never been inlove! Not even close! So why is it so scary? I somethign happen to me in a past life or something for real? Has my harsh past made me afraid of love? Have the horror stories of friends broken hearts made me want to stay away? I dont know. i dont know. I dont FREAKIN KNOW!!!! I'm the person who always knows what to do and what to say but with my fear i dont have a clue.

People say i haven't met the 'one' yet. Yeah that may be true but they haven't etheir and they are all happy go merry with love stuff. I dont know i need help. haha. sorry for the whining. Writting just makes me feel better.

sorry for the lack of updates but i promise there iwll be lots of new work coming up so dont worry. kohls isn't giving me a hell of alot of hours & summer vaction is in full effect so i have lots of time to shoot.

peace out everyone

i wanna get wasted so bad. drink for all the wrong reasons lol. everything on this island is just getting more depressing. i wanna get out of here. i'll miss a few people but to be happy. transfer day is coming up at suffolk. ill see if they have anything on pratt or fit. i just wanna go away. i wanna have a new adventure instead of going school then going to kohls to get yelled at.

it's so hard to explain how i have friends but yet i feel so alone. i have so much bottled inside that i really want to get out but i don't feel like anyone cares. i have so many things inside of me that i just wanna say but i always always always hold back. maybe thats just the way i was raised. i really don't know why i feel like this some times and i dont like to let people know i hurt but i guess i just need to get stuff off my mind.

trust me though. this is nothign compared to how i used to be. in 5th grade i became really shy. i guess it was a phase. due to that i made no new friends really. 7th-9th grade i have like oh 3 friends? and two of the three always picked on me. calling me names to due my big nose and head all the time. i guess they did it to feel better about them selfs but looking back now they were never really my friends.

and i'm not going to lie in about oh 8th grade i felt like i had no one. those knifes that i was puttign away from the dish washer started to look real friendly. i wanted to kill myself some days i really did.

i proud to say though that i never cut myself or hurt myself in any sort of fashion. i did how ever look in the mirror and cry sometimes. i used to ask myself why did i turn out ugly and why couldn't i be 'hot'. honestly my mom helped me get through that phase. she doesn't know that i wanted to kill myself or that i thought i was ugly but i always felt she loved me. when i would think about killing myself i would think of her and not due it. i love my mom. lol.

in 10th grade i out grew my shy phase and started making friends. in the summer of 06 i had a sweet 16 each and every single weekend. since then i haven't thought about my self in a negative light what so ever. i have a 'high fashion look'. lol. i guess im just thinking about some of my 'best friends' and its making me think.

well thanks for reading. more photos to come soon!